THOUGHTS ON REPRESENTATION

I had a discussion once upon a time about gender and racial representation in our culture. The discussion centered specifically around the amount of Asian-American representation at the Olympics this year, but I think it applies to pretty much everything else as well. I was talking about how important it was for children to see themselves represented in the media that they view. The guy disagreeing with me (a white male) stated that this made absolutely no sense because he couldn't name a single white Olympian besides Shawn White and his heroes growing up were Black and Latino baseball players. We never came to any type of agreement, as those types of discussions typically go, but it had me thinking for months afterward. Then in one of my classes today, we had a discussion about representation and it brought all of these thoughts screaming back into my head (this is my white privileged that I don't have to be faced with the issue of representation on a daily basis).

I feel SO empowered when I see strong, successful women in movies, TV, and real life. It inspires me and encourages me to continue to work toward my goals, because if they can do, then maybe I can too. This does not take away from any amount of inspiration that I may receive from seeing a male succeed as well. I have been plenty inspired in my life by the words and deeds of white males. But it feels different when I see the woman out there doing her thing and succeeding. I can see myself in her and I know how freaking hard she had to work to get where she is. It's just a whole new level of empowerment for me.

In my mind, the issue of representation is focused on children. As a strong, independent adult, I recognize what I'm capable of and how much potential is within me. I think children are much more impressionable. We can tell them how amazing they are all day and they might even believe us, but children are observers. And when a child observes someone that looks like them out there saving the world, or making new discoveries, or being president, then they can so much more easily picture themselves doing the same thing. Sure, a little girl can imagine being president of the United States, but imagine how much MORE she would believe that was possible if she SAW a woman actually being president of the United States.

Now I recognize that I do not have the experience of being a racial minority, and as such, I am in no place to be lecturing about racial representation. But I do believe that this same theory of representation applies. Consistently seeing heroes and winners and successful people of one's own race is inspiring, even if it is subconscious. Every child deserves to see someone who looks like them in a successful role. Seeing such makes it so much easier to picture themselves being successful like that as well. Every child deserves that feeling of empowerment that comes from seeing someone of their own race out there doing their thing and being successful at it!

Sure, there is the exception of the little white boy who's major heroes are Black and Latino baseball players. But I think it's different for that little boy, because he has OPTIONS. He has tons of examples of successful white men in his life, and he has the privileged of being influenced by both those examples AND the examples of these baseball players of other races. This is awesome, and I wish every child had that opportunity! But many children see tons and tons of successful white men, and maybe one or two successful people that look like them. This isn't fair. These children deserve to see people that look like them and be able to inspired and empowered to be themselves! We need to encourage equal representation in the media, and in sports, and in the heads of multi-million dollar corporations, and everywhere!

On Marriage.

Over the last 6 months, the question I've gotten the most is, "how's married life?" and I don't know how to answer that.

I honestly feel like it's pretty much the same as before except now we live together and have sex. So I guess that's my answer: "sex is great, thanks for asking."

Anyway, these first 6 months of marriage have been fun. I barely see Alex during the week because we both work during the day and then have class at night. But weekends are extra chill and nice. 

We do a lot of netflix watching (currently in season 6 of Supernatural and recently finished Alex's first time watching Parks and Rec). We also visit my parents a lot because they live 2 miles away and have cable, so that's where we watch all of the sports (Go Jazz).

Marriage has really just been a series of saying good morning, debating what to make for dinner, ending up eating out, watch shows, bashing on the neighbors, and saying I love you. It's seriously the best.

Here's some pics of us, sorry we're gross and in love and crap.

Life, man

I have not blogged in nearly a year. Coincidentally, my last post was about being disenchanted with dating and it was on November 2... that was the week I started dating my now fiance, who I am marrying in 9 days, on November 2nd! Life is weird, man.

But yes, let me repeat, I GET MARRIED IN NINE DAYS!
I'm marrying a boy who is perfect. Actually, he's very much not perfect, but he is definitely perfect for me. He is shy and hilarious and so so kind. He is nerdy and comfortable and supportive. He is caring and hard working and completely ridiculous. I've never been so happy, rolled my eyes so much, cared so much about basketball, or loved someone this hard. He's nothing like what I expected to fall for and I wouldn't ask for anything different.
He loves Star Wars and Lord of the Rings maybe more than I do. He proposed to me with a Harry Potter board game, even though he's not a huge HP fan (don't worry, this will change). He knows my heart and he knows how to make me laugh. He's just one of those feel good people. You just get around him and feel comfortable.

I could go on forever about how great he is, but I will refrain. You're welcome.

What I will say is that timing is the weirdest thing. My life has been in limbo so many times in the last 5 years, so when it kind of went off the tracks and into limbo again last fall, I thought nothing of it. All of my friends in Salt Lake had gotten married and I had no one left to live with, so I moved in with my 95 year old great grandmother for an undetermined amount of time. This was strange, but also normal, because strange and uncertain living situations had been my normal for years. And that is when I met Alex.
Life is strange and unpredictable and when I met him, I thought nothing of it. I had met a lot of cute boys in a lot of wards and nothing ever came of them. When we started dating, I thought nothing of it. This had all happened before and it always ended, that's literally all I knew. I honestly think that subconsciously endings is all I expected from dating. So when we hit 6 months of dating and I realized this was the longest relationship I had ever had, I was SHOCKED. People don't date me for this long; they figure out I'm crazy and try to avoid me or I get bored and dump them, but never ever do we keep dating for 6 months.
And then we kept dating.
And then he said he wanted to marry me. And again I was SHOCKED. I always wanted to get married and find someone to spend forever with, but the fact that this real, living, breathing, awesome human boy was saying he wanted to spend forever with me... I just didn't know how to handle it.
For about 3 months he would say the same things: he wanted to marry me, but he didn't want to rush me or push me into something I wasn't ready for. He said he he was willing to wait for me as long as it took. WHAT. Who even is this amazing, patient boy. This boy who never pushed me, this boy who never made me do anything I didn't want or wasn't ready for, this boy who supports me in my career and in my dreams. I still don't know why it took me 3 months to decide that obviously this is the right boy for me.
But here we are. I'm grossly cheesy all the time and I hate it. I'm in love and I roll my eyes at us sometimes. We're getting married next week, and I could not be more excited. Here's a picture of our faces:

Fun, Delinquent Youths!

I work with juvenile delinquents. I work in a lock-up facility with teenage boys who have been arrested for crimes and sentenced to be locked up for a minimum of 6 months, usually more. Some of these boys have committed violent crimes. Some of them have stolen property worth thousands of dollars. Some of them have countless drug charges. Some of them have gang-related crimes. These boys are hardened. They are often very involved in gangs. They have been arrested many times. They've been through every other program the state has to offer and they have failed out or ran away. My facility is their last stop, the most intense facility, there is nowhere else for them to go - unless they get charged as an adult. We take the worst of the worst of the juveniles in Utah. This is what these kids look like on paper: delinquent, unwilling to change, non-compliant, scary, bad.

And yet, I have worked with some of the brightest, funniest, most personable, brilliant adolescents in this job. These kids, while still little punks, are incredible. There is so much light in their eyes and possibility in their future.

One resident that I have worked with is hands-down the smartest teenager I have ever met. I will not be surprised at all if one day he ends up inventing something brilliant and life-changing.

One kid I know has the most incredible leadership skills and can convince and motivate anyone to do anything.

Most of those guys want to be rappers, but there is this one kid that has an incredible musical talent and I can definitely see him getting famous from it.

Another resident has the most incredible comedic timing I have ever seen. Never have I ever laughed so hard in my life.

I could go on and on. These kids are awesome! They make me mad and they often make terrible choices, but they are also have such good hearts and want to succeed in their lives. I have seen more positive change and progress in this individuals than I have ever seen in any other human beings in my life. They learn and grow at an incredible rate. It is the most magical thing to see the lights go on in these kid's minds and see them realize that they can do something different in their lives than what they've done in the past.

I guess all I'm saying is that people can change! "Bad people" are not always bad people! There is good in everyone, they just have to find it! Don't disregard people because of their past mistakes!

Disenchanted Dating

I've seen too many people become disenchanted with dating and become pessimistic about it. This breaks my little, ever-loving heart.

I am 26 years old and single. In a Mormon society that puts such an emphasis on marriage, this is a weird thing. The grand majority of my friends are married; most were married by the time they were 23 or 24, and honestly I think my friend group got married later than the average age for Mormons. Lots of my friends have kids or are trying to have kids. What I'm trying to get at is that I am an oddity being 26, single, and Mormon.

My two best friends got married within 2 weeks of each other last year. My younger brother got married a month before that, and another friend got married a month or two after. Within a manner of 4 months, I was a bridesmaid 4 times. This was beautiful and amazing and I was so so happy for them all, don't get me wrong. But that was also a very crappy, hard time.

So my point is: I GET IT. I understand the frustration with dating and the feelings of inadequacy and heart break. I totally get the overwhelming (and usually unintentional) pressure to GET MARRIED NOW that sometimes comes from friends, church leaders, relatives, or even myself. I understand how it feels when I talk to my best friends and realize that I can't relate to the phase of life that they are experiencing. It sucks and I get it.

But what I don't get is the negativity. Now I'm not here to be Miss Unrealistic and Peppy and tell you that you need to be happy and positive all the time, even when things suck. That's not realistic and I would be a hypocrite if I told you I always enjoyed dating. I have had moments when I am so frustrated and confused and all I can do is shout to the sky or write in my journal or cry on the phone to my mom and say, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

I have been there more times than I would like to admit, but it does not have to be that way!

Despite all of the nonsense and frustration that comes along with dating, I full-heartedly believe that dating should be a wonderful thing and no one should ever give up on it! Dating doesn't need to be stressful. It's just a time to get to know new people and see if there are any of them that you want to continue getting to know. Honestly, it is that simple.

I've seen too many friends become so pessimistic about anything and everything to do with dating. They don't feel like they're living up to the expectations being placed on them. They feel constantly judged. They get frustrated and discouraged when they get rejected or when they feel like they've tried and failed over and over. They just assume that everyone else is out on dates every weekend and they're the only ones sitting home alone.

I think the problem stems from making dating the main focus of ones life. When that is the case and when that part of their life is not particularly successful, then they feel down about everything. Yes, dating is very important and I think marriage is a goal that everyone should have, however, it does not need to be the ONLY goal. There are so many other things in life that people can focus on and improve and succeed in. I wish that people didn't make dating the only way that they gauge their personal success.

I can't really work out how put my feelings on this matter into words, but what I want to convey is that there is so much in life to love and be happy about. If you focus on the stupidity of any situation, you're going to hate it and become bitter, but if you focus on the positive moments, you are going to love it. This applies to everything in life, including dating. I have to constantly put myself in check about this because sometimes that is so much easier said than done.

Change your hair, change your life

Sometimes, when you need to make big, difficult changes in your life, you just have to start with your hair color and then work your way up from there.

I wrote this in my journal about a year and a half ago and this is a sentence that I will stand by until I die (or dye... get it, because hair dye..). I did this very thing back in December of 2014. I was unhappy in my life and I knew I needed to quit my job and move and change pretty much everything and I was intimidated by it, so I was procrastinating making the changes. So I dyed my hair for the first time in my life. It's something so simple and silly, but I did it and that seemed to be the catalyst for change. Within a month, I had quit my job and moved out of Provo and made the changes that I knew that I needed to and that I knew would make me happier.

Now I'm not saying that you have to dye your hair when you feel like something needs to change in your life, but what I am saying is that if you are not happy, you have the power to change that. Change one small thing and see how you feel. It's empowering and it will help you work up towards big changes that you may need to make.

Thoughts on America

I realize I have not blogged in ages, and I probably won't start blogging a ton after this either, but I had thoughts running through my head that needed an outlet. And my thoughts today are too long to fit into a 140-character tweet, which is what I usually do, so I have turned to the blog.

Today is the fourth of July. Independence Day for the United States of America. One of my favorite days of the year.
I love celebrating the 4th of July. My family always goes to the parade in the morning and it is a huge, fun, loud ordeal. And then we swim and play and eat to our hearts content. And then we watch fireworks. Fireworks are one of the best parts about the summertime. Overall, this is simply one of the best holidays with the best traditions.

But here's the thing: America is struggling. Maybe in my maturity I'm just more aware of the world than I ever have been in the past, but I feel like this nation, especially lately, is in constant contention with it's self and with the rest of the world. Specifically the contention within ourselves is the part that is overwhelming and disheartening to me. It seems to be eating us up from the inside. People are always arguing; not just having civil disagreements, which I think is a very healthy thing for all societies, but fights and name calling and an unwillingness to even listen to an opinion different than one's own. Sometimes these disagreements even turn to violence and that is unspeakably terrible.
It's really discouraging and heartbreaking to hear about such occurrences within this place that is supposed to be so happy and so free. I hadn't even realized it until today, but recently I've developed a somewhat negative attitude toward this country that I love so much. So often all we hear about is the bad, and I was beginning to believe it to be 100% true. While I do recognize that this country is not perfect and we have some major things we need to work on, today reminded me that this is still America. We are still so blessed to be in a country with all of the freedoms and rights that we have.

The majority of the youth that I work with are extremely underprivileged. They come from poverty situations, broken homes, and very rough neighborhoods. In my work, I focus so often on how unfairly society has treated them and how they were born into a situation where they never had a chance to succeed. I read articles and talk to my fellow professionals about how these youth are so underprivileged and lacking so much by way of materials, experiences, and finances. It's quite discouraging to realize that statistics say that it is incredibly unlikely for most of these kids to overcome the circumstances that they were born into. Most studies say that these youth will follow their parent's histories of violence, crime, lack of education, and poverty.

I could go on and on about the links between poverty, education, and delinquency, however today I realized that this is not the only perspective. This negative, static view of the future of these youths is not the only way of viewing their potential. Today I was reminded of hope and potential for the future of all of the youth of this nation.

We live in a country where it is completely possible for a kid to be born in the worst of circumstances and to eventually become anything they could ever dream of. Yes, this is difficult, and yes, this takes time, perhaps even a lifetime, but the bottom line is that it is possible. The youth of this country have the potential to change their lives and change the world. We live in a country where our destinies are not predetermined and we have control over who we become and how successful we will be. Yes, this country is still struggling and still has hatred, fear, and misunderstanding of so many minority and underprivileged groups. But people are advocating for change and understanding, because that's something we can do in this country! We are allowed to have a voice and we are allowed to try to change the things we don't like. We are not perfect and we have lots to work on, but isn't that exactly how America should be? This is a place of constant change and adaptation, and that is a good thing. And this is a place where our children have very bright, hopeful futures, and that is what America is all about. I'm not giving up on America and the future it holds for our youth, and I hope no one else is either.

I dabble

I used to think that I obsessed over outrageous things more than anyone. But then once I dated a boy who would dive into hobbies and get COMPLETELY obsessed, and he made me realize that maybe I don't get fully invested and obsessed, I just dabble in a ton of different unique hobbies and interests.

But then I reconsidered a second time, and why the heck can't I do both?? I dabble in so many random interests, but I also get so passionately obsessed with each and everyone of them. When I decide I like something, I jump on and and truly LOVE it. I often move on and gather new, weird passions, but I never loose the many loves that I've had in the past.

Here is a list of some things that I have dabbled in and passionately love and will geek out about if you bring them up to me (this list is probably not comprehensive):

• Harry Potter
• watching and playing volleyball nonstop
• Avatar: The Last Airbender
• finding and sitting on good benches
• Lord of the Rings
• Doctor Who
• college football
• social theory of poverty and delinquency
• playing board games
• Star Wars
• Super Smash Brothers
• watching parades
• Weezer
• reading fantasy books
• hiking
• collecting Pez dispensers
• watching the playoffs of any sport
• Arthur
• lemonberry slush with nerds from Sonic
• twitter
• Beyoncé
• quoting Disney movies
• anything Olympic related
• So You Think You Can Dance
• chips and salsa
• dance parties

That time I was unemployed

I took a crazy, terrifying leap of faith at the end of January and quit my job without the slightest inkling of where I would work next. It felt right to leave my job, however hard and tear-filled it was, and I just had to go and trust that the Lord would take care of me. I wasn't completely unemployed - I did odd jobs here and there and they were awesome - but I couldn't find a full time job for almost 3 months and it was hard.


A few things I learned while being unemployed:

If you apply enough time, you can get very good at ANYTHING
I taught myself to crochet this past December, but once I didn't have a job, I dove in head first and went crochet crazy. I watched countless YouTube videos and bought skein after skein of yarn. I made scarves galore, hats, a single mitten (I didn't love it so I didn't make the second), and attempted a crochet beard/hat combo.

I will never get sick of doing puzzles
You stick me in front of a TV and turn on the never ending stream of shows on Netflix, and I could do puzzle after puzzle and still ask for more. I prefer 1000 piece puzzles to 2000 piecers - just for future reference if anyone ever desires to get me a gift.

Living in you parent's basement after you graduate college is awesome, but only if it's for a limited amount of time
When I first moved in with my parents, it was only going to be for a couple weeks - a month tops, but I ended up staying for 3 months, because I couldn't find a job. It was fantastic to live with my parents and my brothers again, and to get to know the youngest brothers better because they were so young when I moved out and they didn't really remember living with me. Family is so important. However, it is also so important to move on in life and be independent and living in my parent's basement was not the answer.

Through trials (like not getting a job) there are still HUGE blessings
Early on in my unemployed state I realized that I had an amazing and rare opportunity in front of me: I had nothing to spend my time on except to focus on bettering myself. I decided that this was the perfect chance to form habits that had always been hard for me to form because I felt I didn't have the time. I made it a priority to take care of myself both spiritually and physically. I won't lie, I didn't do very well with the whole working out and being healthy thing, but I did go running a few more times than usual. However I did take the time to not just read but really study my scriptures daily, make sure daily prayers and conversation with my Heavenly Father were a priority, and attending the temple once a week. This is honestly the only thing that kept me sane.


I'm pretty sure I say this in almost every blog post, but life is crazy and unpredictable. I never know what's going to happen next and I am so grateful for all of my experiences, no matter how outrageous and dumb they feel in the moment. I started a job in mid-April that is the perfect job for me, and I'm so pleased that I didn't find anything else before this job came along. There are always hidden blessings, and sometimes you don't see them until later, but God knows and that's what is most important.

a bit on mental illness

I'm pretty sure this is about to be a soapbox post. Sorry in advance. But not that sorry.

For nearly a year and a half, I worked at a treatment center for teenage girls with emotional, mental, and behavioral issues. I interacted with so many amazing yet troubled girls who just wanted to be understood and loved. I learned so much about mental illness, more than I ever did while reading about it in textbooks in college classes.

Today I was reflecting on this experience and thinking about how mental illness is still so misunderstood in our society. While I personally have not suffered from a mental illness, I have worked very closely and had some very hard conversations with some people who do struggle with mental illnesses. While reflecting, I ended up thinking about one girl specifically that I have worked with. She has severe depression and borderline personality disorder. I started thinking about all the conversations we had where she would be fighting with her own mind, struggling to regain control. I wanted to try to put into words what I observed in these conversations with her, as well as conversations I had with other girls with similar issues. I do not claim to know what it is like to have either of these disorders, but I wanted to put into words what I have observed in conversations with clients and what I perceive is going through their mind on a daily basis.

This is my attempt to both understand and explain what may be going through the mind of a person with depression and borderline personality disorder. As with any mental illness, there are good days and there are bad days, but this pattern of thinking in circles and unconnected thoughts seems to be something that happens to a lot of the girls I've worked with. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to try to control those thoughts and that is why I am in this line of work - I want to do everything in my power to help people figure out how to help themselves.

It is so difficult to live with a mental illness, and I have so much love and compassion for every person I have worked with that struggles with one. I just want all people to understand a little bit more, so they can be a little bit more accepting. Mental illness is a real issue that so many people struggle with, live with, and succeed with. I think it is so important for everyone to look at themselves and see if they can be more understanding and compassionate in regards to mental illness.

What do I know?

I've been applying to endless jobs recently which has made me think about my education and what I learned while getting my degree. I wasn't in one of those majors that teach you specific skills like accounting or engineering or teaching. I was a Sociology major. I loved my major and 100% would not change it, but I've been asking myself all day, "What really did I learn from my major in college?" Each individual class I feel like I learned a lot about that specific topic that was covered, but overall, when it comes right down to it: "What did I learn from my major?"

I learned how to think. I learned how to look at a situation and think through it's causes, consequences, and solutions. I learned to really look at and appreciate people where they are. I learned that there are more forces at play in every situation than you could possibly imagine. I learned to care. I learned to look outside myself and find something that I can do to make the world around me better. I learned that there is injustice in this world and I have the ability to do something about it. I learned how to look at the facts and form my own unique opinion of a situation without having to rely on anyone else.

Evolution of my curls.

I have fallen in love with my hair.

This is not a thing I ever thought I would be able to say, but it is one of the truest things I know. I'm going to explain to you my journey over the last 12 or so years of my life that brought me to this acceptance of my hair.

I was not born with curly hair. My hair was actually very, very straight for the first 10 years of my life. And then puberty, as it is prone to do, effected some huge changes. Suddenly, my hair was wavy and just seemed to be getting curlier. Being a bit of a tomboy already, my solution for dealing with curly hair at 11 or 12 years old was to pull it into a pony tail and forget about it.

We're digging deep in the archives for this baby. Here is 8th
grade Jennie with her awesome crunchy curls and braces. 
It was a hard time for all of us. 

Through middle school and high school, my hair just kept getting more and more curly by the year and I had no idea how to handle it. When I say my hair was getting "curlier," what I mean is it was just getting frizzier and more terrifying. I didn't know anyone that had curly hair, so I had no one to instruct me in how to care for it, so it was a hot mess. When I let it go free, it was a giant frizz ball. When I tried to put product in it, my hair became nasty crunchy waves plastered to my head. There was no in between and I didn't know what to do.

Please excuse me at the awkward age of 15. Thanks. Also excuse the crunch curls
on my head. No pictures of the frizzy version of my hair, because I was self
conscious back then and never let pictures be taken of it.

The only solution I had for my struggling curls was to straighten my hair. And that's what I did everyday of my life. I scorched those natural curls as straight as they would go nearly everyday. Probably once every 3 to 4 weeks I would get brave (or lazy) and try out the curls again - but to no positive effect. So I lived my high school years with straight hair, denying the very essence of my hair personality.

My freshman year of college I finally realized that the crunchy curls were happening because the mousse was too heavy and I needed something lighter, and that enhanced my curls a ton. They still weren't the best, but much better and I started going curly more often. That year I was about half and half in curly versus straight hair.

Frizzy and awkward. But not crunchy!

Decent. But frizzy and not living up to its full potential.

And then that blessed summer happened.

I was teaching swim lessons that summer, so my hair was getting wet everyday and I did not have the time or patience to straighten it every single day. So I declared it the summer of freedom, and I let the curls run wild and do their thing. Coincidentally, this was also declared the summer of headbands and I swear I wore a headband to keep those wild curls out of my face every day that entire summer.

I came out of that summer with so much love for my curls and how fun they are. I read a bunch of blogs giving me some really helpful tips and tricks for caring for my curls. Did you know towel drying makes curls more frizzy and it's better to just use a t-shirt? I swear by this now. Did you know it's better to diffuse your curls with your head upside down? And only diffuse 50-75% of the hair and then let the rest air dry? I can attest to the truthfulness of these things. So much trial and error that has been so helpful in my life!

Curly hair was WAY easier and faster than straight hair and after that summer, I vowed to wear my hair curly more often. As it turned out, I just stopped straightening my hair all together. I have MAYBE straightened my hair once a month for the last 4 years; it's probably closer to once every two months. I feel like the longer I go letting my hair just do its thing, the curlier my hair has become, and I love it.

These curls just define me and I feel like they very accurately represent my personality. and CURLY HAIR IS SO EASY.

I love my curls. Seriously so much. I feel like over the last few years I've grown into them and realized their full potential. I think it's so important for people to embrace their natural beauty. If you have curly hair, then free the curls. If you have straight hair, then you rock that baby, because I've wanted that for more years of my life than I care to admit. JUST BE YOU. Seriously, that's all you can ask for and that is THE best way to be happy in your life.

Winter?

I've been highly disappointed with this winter. Now don't get me wrong, I love 60° weather just as much as the next guy, but I also love me some good hardy winter weather. I love the snow and the way it has of covering the world and making it look brand new. I love walking outside all wrapped up cozy and having the chill nip at your nose a bit.

But you know what I love the most about winter? How excited it makes me for spring. I feel this way about every season. I love living in Utah because we have 4 very distinct seasons with very different tempertaures.
When it's spring, I get so excited for summer and the sun and swimming and freedom.
And once that gets old, I get so excited for fall, with it's crisp air and beautiful colors.
And then I can't wait for that first snow fall and sledding and cuddling inside with hot chocolate.
And then once winter becomes dreary, I get excited for spring and the warmth and new life.
And then it starts all over again.

But with this failure of a winter we've had here in Utah, I haven't even been excited for spring, because it's kind of felt like spring since the beginning of January!
However, it has not been all bad, the warmth has allowed for so many fun outdoor adventures! Utah is a beautiful and fun place, even when it's winter and everything is dead. So here's some pics of my hiking adventures with the brothers.

And then here's this moment when I found the one patch of snow left on President's Day. Happy Fake Winter, ya'll.

Color Code.

Have you heard of the color code personality test? More accurately the Hartman Personality Profile? It's a brilliant little 45 question test created by Dr. Taylor Hartman in his book "The Color Code" which divides personalities into 4 different colors: red, blue, white, and yellow. And I LOVE it.

The social scientist in me can't get enough of learning about different personality theories. I love reading different explanations about what motivates people and why they do the things they do. And I think that the color code is a pretty accurate explanation. My friends and family can attest to the fact that I can not stop talking about it and making everyone I know take the test. I just want to know what makes them tick!

So, let's chat about personalities!

Reds are motivated by power.
Blues are motivated by compassion and relationships.
Whites are motivated by peace.
Yellows are motivated by fun.

My results are: 1 red, 8 blue, 23 white, 13 yellow

So I am very strongly a White-Yellow personality. And after having read through the book, The Color Code, I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONVINCED THAT THIS IS ACCURATE. Seriously, the more I read the book, the more I found myself nodding my head and telling my mom or my roommates, "oh my heck! Listen to this! I do this!" It's always cool when you can put your personality into words.

I am such a White personality. I have had people get so frustrated with me because I couldn't make a decision. Truth is that I really am just always willing to do whatever everyone around me wants to do. I am perfectly content to just sit around and do nothing, or go out and party and be crazy, or anything in between. I just enjoy being around people and doing whatever it is that they enjoy. This has sometimes lead to some difficult moments in my life when I've realized that I don't know what I personally like to do. In high school and even a bit in college, I just kind of absorbed the personalities and interests of those that I spent my time with. I always had fun and enjoyed myself, but one of the biggest things I had to learn in my college years was who I really am and what I really like.
This is honestly one of my favorite and simultaneously least favorite things about myself. Because I have such a White personality, I can get along with pretty much anyone and have fun doing pretty much anything, which I think is awesome. But at the same time, I am constantly having to check myself and make sure I'm being true to who I really am and sometimes I even have to force myself to have an opinion about things or make a decision and thats really hard for me.

I love people. I love being around people and I kind of lose my mind and get antsy and depressed when I am by myself for too long. This makes so much sense in relation to BOTH the White and the Yellow parts of my personality. The Yellow portion of me craves having fun and being social. And this is really helpful to the White portion of me because on my own I can get kind of boring and can't ever think of anything to do and I need people around to motivate me to do things and be social. As soon as I am around people, even a small group of people, I immediately feed off their energy and become really fun and social, which is my favorite version of me.

Okay, I honestly, I could go on forever analyzing my own and other's personalities, but I will stop there. All I have to say is:
Seriously, take the test. Read the book. And let me know what your results are!

Letter to my 16 year old self

About a year ago I sat down and wrote this letter to my 16 year old self. I had been graduated from college for about 6 months at that point, and I had taken the time to reflect back on how much I had learn and grown since I was 16. So, I wrote a letter, and I just rediscovered it today and I thought it deserved a share.

blog fail

I have forgotten how to blog.

This is a real thing, and a matter of utmost concern.

Not that I've run out of thoughts or opinions or anything, I think I've just forgotten how to write about them. I blame Twitter. It's way easier to say a funny line or express a ridiculous opinion in 140 characters or less and be done with it, than to have to justify the thought or give background story or what not. So most of my thoughts just come out as tweets and then I have a hard time focusing on writing an entire blog post on one thing. I am not okay with this.

I've sat down and started innumerable blog posts with a great thought, but then I run out of things to say and just save it as a draft to finish later. And they never get finished. So I will get better and I will fix this!

I'm back and I know things

I have not written on this blog in quite a long time. I just honestly didn't have anything to say. I feel like I go through spurts of having all these opinions and thoughts and insights, and having a great desire to share them. And then I have times where it seems pointless. But recently I've felt the desire to get my words on a page again because sometimes that is the best way to sort out my thoughts and my feelings. I think this is why I initially started blogging. Also because I think I'm hilarious.

Well, I'm back. Who knows how long it will be for; it could be forever or maybe just this one post, I don't even know yet.

But here are some things I do know:

I do know that I have a lot of thoughts running through my head all the time.
I do know that life is so weird and doesn't turn out how you expected.
I do know that being unemployed is a party for about a week and then it is the worst.
I do know that I have become obsessed with twitter in the last 6 months.
I do know that I want to get on a plane right now and I don't care where it goes, I just want to explore.
I do know that I FINALLY moved out of Provo 2 months ago.
I also know that I'm living in my parents basement and it's so weird, good but weird.
I do know that youtube can teach you to crochet.
I do know that it's possible for netflix to be a good friend.
I do know that my brother comes home from his mission in 4 months.
I do know that I have the best friends in the world.
And I do know that it is possible to be happy no matter what is going on in your life.

Why I've developed a very strong dislike for iPads. And realized how convenient they are.

In my job at the library, I am the sole person in charge of the iPad checkout program. This means I keep track of the signed loan agreements, I keep the iPads clean and in good condition, and I wipe and refresh the iPads in preparation for the next checkout. And some days, iPads make me want to scream.
I have never really worked with technology, other than my own iPhone and laptop, which I honestly don't really know anything about. Yet, when I started this job they just threw is at me and and said, "Good luck figuring out Apple products. MWAHAHAHA." No one else knew how to work the program, so they just gave it to me and ran.
I've decided that my main problem with Apple is that they are so simplified and "user friendly" that when there is a problem with a device, then it is impossible to expose the main issue.

I have student employees come ask me questions about how to fix the iPads , and my answer is always a chuckle and "I don't know..." They think I know all the stuff, but in reality I just play around with it until it works and I have no idea what I actually did. And some days I have a line up of multiple iPads that all have different problems that I need to fix and the students just laugh at me because I get so flustered.

Having said all of this, I think iPads, or any tablets really, are a genius bit of useful technology. I always felt that tablets were just useless because between a smart phone and a laptop, why would I need another piece of technology that does the exact same thing. But iPads are so much more convenient than laptops. I've even considered just getting a tablet with a keyboard when my laptop finally dies. Maybe not an iPad... but some sort of tablet.

I've become reminiscent about my adventures with the library iPads because Friday is my last day at the library. I am training one of the students how to troubleshoot the iPads and he's realizing that I really have no idea what I'm doing with them. He asks questions and I give him multiple options that I've tried in my attempt to fix the problem. It's always nice when someone finally appreciates the fact that I'm just make it up when asked for help.

What's in a name?

Maybe it's just in my own naive mind that this is the case, but I feel like people always sound more exciting and adventurous if their name sounds foreign. In my job at the library, I recently came across a book entitled "Travels of Reverend Olafur Egilsson." I don't know about you, but I want to read it because I feel like Olafur Eglisson probably has some excellent stories and has had many travels. But if there was a book called "Travels of Anne Smith" or "Exploits of Bob Johnson" or "Adventures of Jennie Lever," I don't know how many people would pick it up and think that it sounded all too riveting.

I suppose it also helps that Olafur Eglisson has a title. I would probably sound cooler if I had a title like Reverend or Duke or Governor.

But in all reality, I really do think that having a foreign name makes one sound more exciting. It makes me wonder if Adventure of Jennie actually sounds like the title of a fascinating piece of literature to people that don't speak English. In a place where Jennifer is not an outrageously common name, maybe Jennie sounds exotic and exciting. I like the thought of that.

Why I love benches.

I went on a lovely walk down the Provo River Trail the other day and in typical fashion, I saw a bench that I fell in love with. I have so much love for sitting on benches and for the first time ever I have appropriately verbalized my reasons for that love.

Anywhere I go, I search out well placed benches to sit upon. I don't consciously look for them, but my focus is always drawn to benches when they are present. A well-placed bench brings me back to everything good about the world and about nature.

There are two types of well placed benches: those that best observe nature and those that best observe people. And my favorite benches always combine these two elements. A bench lets you sit and take a break from the world. You sit down and the rest of the world continues to move on around you. A bench gives you the opportunity to become a momentary observer of life, instead of a participant.

I love humans. I know I've said this a lot, but I am just so fascinated by people and the way that they are. I'm fascinated by different socioeconomic levels and how that effects people in every facet of their lives. I'm fascinated by the way that people interact with each other. I'm fascinated by the mere fact that every single human that I encounter has a whole lifetime worth of back story that creates the unique individual that I am now facing. I just plain love humans.

When watching people in a park, it is not out of the ordinary to sit on a bench, so people continue on their way without paying you much notice. This is exactly how I like it, because people act normal when their surroundings feel normal and people are most fascinating when they're not acting at all, they are just being. I could sit on a bench, watching people for hours and just trying to guess their stories and figure out how they got to this moment in their lives.

When there is a bench in the woods or along a trail or in any other variety of natural surroundings, then sitting on this bench always helps me feel at peace. Even just smack in the middle of a quiet forest, I can still take a moment to watch life happen all around me. Nature is amazing and the world is beautiful. Sitting on a bench in nature allows me to quietly ponder life and to appreciate how wonderful it is.

You know what else benches are good for? Having deep meaningful conversations. As I've already said, the environment around benches creates a peaceful feeling, and it is this feeling that creates the perfect situation for talking about the hard things in life. I have had many lovely, insightful conversations while sitting on benches in my lifetime.

Next time you see a bench at the park, just take a seat for a moment.  Soak in the world. Enjoy the nature, enjoy the people. Reach outside yourself and find something beautiful in the world around you. This is the reason I will forever be finding new benches to fall in love with.