Disenchanted Dating

I've seen too many people become disenchanted with dating and become pessimistic about it. This breaks my little, ever-loving heart.

I am 26 years old and single. In a Mormon society that puts such an emphasis on marriage, this is a weird thing. The grand majority of my friends are married; most were married by the time they were 23 or 24, and honestly I think my friend group got married later than the average age for Mormons. Lots of my friends have kids or are trying to have kids. What I'm trying to get at is that I am an oddity being 26, single, and Mormon.

My two best friends got married within 2 weeks of each other last year. My younger brother got married a month before that, and another friend got married a month or two after. Within a manner of 4 months, I was a bridesmaid 4 times. This was beautiful and amazing and I was so so happy for them all, don't get me wrong. But that was also a very crappy, hard time.

So my point is: I GET IT. I understand the frustration with dating and the feelings of inadequacy and heart break. I totally get the overwhelming (and usually unintentional) pressure to GET MARRIED NOW that sometimes comes from friends, church leaders, relatives, or even myself. I understand how it feels when I talk to my best friends and realize that I can't relate to the phase of life that they are experiencing. It sucks and I get it.

But what I don't get is the negativity. Now I'm not here to be Miss Unrealistic and Peppy and tell you that you need to be happy and positive all the time, even when things suck. That's not realistic and I would be a hypocrite if I told you I always enjoyed dating. I have had moments when I am so frustrated and confused and all I can do is shout to the sky or write in my journal or cry on the phone to my mom and say, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?"

I have been there more times than I would like to admit, but it does not have to be that way!

Despite all of the nonsense and frustration that comes along with dating, I full-heartedly believe that dating should be a wonderful thing and no one should ever give up on it! Dating doesn't need to be stressful. It's just a time to get to know new people and see if there are any of them that you want to continue getting to know. Honestly, it is that simple.

I've seen too many friends become so pessimistic about anything and everything to do with dating. They don't feel like they're living up to the expectations being placed on them. They feel constantly judged. They get frustrated and discouraged when they get rejected or when they feel like they've tried and failed over and over. They just assume that everyone else is out on dates every weekend and they're the only ones sitting home alone.

I think the problem stems from making dating the main focus of ones life. When that is the case and when that part of their life is not particularly successful, then they feel down about everything. Yes, dating is very important and I think marriage is a goal that everyone should have, however, it does not need to be the ONLY goal. There are so many other things in life that people can focus on and improve and succeed in. I wish that people didn't make dating the only way that they gauge their personal success.

I can't really work out how put my feelings on this matter into words, but what I want to convey is that there is so much in life to love and be happy about. If you focus on the stupidity of any situation, you're going to hate it and become bitter, but if you focus on the positive moments, you are going to love it. This applies to everything in life, including dating. I have to constantly put myself in check about this because sometimes that is so much easier said than done.

What do I know?

I've been applying to endless jobs recently which has made me think about my education and what I learned while getting my degree. I wasn't in one of those majors that teach you specific skills like accounting or engineering or teaching. I was a Sociology major. I loved my major and 100% would not change it, but I've been asking myself all day, "What really did I learn from my major in college?" Each individual class I feel like I learned a lot about that specific topic that was covered, but overall, when it comes right down to it: "What did I learn from my major?"

I learned how to think. I learned how to look at a situation and think through it's causes, consequences, and solutions. I learned to really look at and appreciate people where they are. I learned that there are more forces at play in every situation than you could possibly imagine. I learned to care. I learned to look outside myself and find something that I can do to make the world around me better. I learned that there is injustice in this world and I have the ability to do something about it. I learned how to look at the facts and form my own unique opinion of a situation without having to rely on anyone else.

Letter to my 16 year old self

About a year ago I sat down and wrote this letter to my 16 year old self. I had been graduated from college for about 6 months at that point, and I had taken the time to reflect back on how much I had learn and grown since I was 16. So, I wrote a letter, and I just rediscovered it today and I thought it deserved a share.

Toot Sweets.

I've given up on sweets.

Not permanently, don't fret. This is a temporary 6-week jaunt. I simply decided that I had eaten WAY too many Cadbury eggs and Lindor truffles in recent months. Also ice cream, lots of ice cream. And so I gave up sweets. I guess technically it's for Lent, because I am indeed following the Lent schedule but since I'm not Catholic and don't actually observe Lent, it's more for health purposes than for religious ones. And it has been an interesting experience. Guys, I get to eat sweets again on April 19th and I AM SO EXCITED.

For the first week or two, I was really struggling. I'm pretty convinced that chocolate is addictive and that I was having withdrawals. I wanted chocolate all of the time. Luckily I had started this endeavor of no sweets with my roommate and she bailed on the second day, so I had some solid motivation to keep on with it so that I could rub my success in her face. Yes, I realize that this is not the best way to motivate myself, but that's what happened and I'm not going to sugar coat it (obviously, because I'm not eating sugar-coated things).
Then the strawberry cake happened. There's a couple of back stories that need to be told to have this all make sense:
1) I just don't like cake. Never real have. I just that in general think it's too dry.
2) I woke my roommate up from a nap and she deliriously rejected all my Friday night fun ideas and wouldn't stop talking about strawberry cake. It was hilarious. So the next day she bought some.
3) Smiths makes a surprisingly delicious looking strawberry shortcake.
So... we had this cake in our kitchen and I was drooling. I justified to myself that with real Lent, the Sabbath is a day without fasting from whatever you've given up, and it was so late on Saturday night that it was practically Sunday. So I did it. I took a bite and it totally wasn't worth it. Honestly, it wasn't even that great of a cake, even as far as cakes go. And I decided to not take any more Sabbaths off from my sweet fast.
It's been an interesting road, and especially difficult the week my pre-ordered girl scout cookies showed up at work the second week of lent. That was real rough, and still is since they are still sitting in my drawer waiting for the week after Easter.

I've learned a lot about my own self control these last weeks and I've learned that some days are way better than others. In general, I haven't eaten sweets, but I've learned that I do way better saying no to other people than I am at saying no to myself. So that's a thing that I should work on.

I can't wait to eat all my Easter candy. It's going to be so much more satisfying now that I've been deprived of sweets for so long.

"Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others"

Quote by Virginia Woolf. Smart woman.

Have you ever felt like the whole world is moving along with their lives and they've just left you behind? That's kind of how I've been feeling recently. I've basically graduated, but I still don't really have a set plan for my future. Everyone around me has exciting things going on and great life changes happening now or right around the corner, and I'm just here like, " yeah, Provo's cool." But you know what I've realized? That it's all about perspective.

You know what else I've just realized, I only ever blog about my problems after I have gotten over them and have something profound that I learned and need to share. I suppose that's for the best, since I know I don't want to read about anyone's issues, and I'm sure you don't either.

Anyway, back to perspective. So I've always thought that I was this super friendly, outgoing human. I suppose I really am, but the last month or so has made me realize how much I am lacking. I just moved into a new house for the first time in 3 years and realized that I was surrounded by a whole group of people that I didn't know at all. I love meeting new people, but I've always done so with at least one other friend with me. It's nice to have someone be there to back you up when trying to strike up a conversation with strangers. But this new situation I am in has required me to just show up places and introduce myself and invite myself into groups of people. Guys, that can be really hard sometimes. I desperately want to spend time with fun people and make some good friends, and in order to do that I have to put myself out there and meet these people. So I think the biggest thing I have learned is to be comfortable with myself, by myself, even with no one to fall back on. And confident enough to go out and be ridiculous and make new friends. It's been rough, but it's also been wonderful! I've met some wonderful people!

Guess what I did the other week? I went river rafting in Moab with a group of about 50 people and I only kind of knew 4 of them. It was so fun! I met so many great people! It's things like this adventure that I have been so blessed with this summer. Up until about a month ago I wouldn't have gone on this trip unless I could convince one of my really good friends to go with me. But having decided to go out of my way to meet people, I just took this Moab opportunity and ran.

Moral of the story: life is constantly changing and just when I get comfortable with something, it stops or changes and I have to adjust to it. One of the best things I've learned recently is o be open to the new things. If I am willing to accept feeling awkward and entering new situations, then I am totally rewarded with some amazing experiences and great friends.

People watching

I love people watching. I always have.
Being a sociology major has enhanced this even more.

In high school I always loved just hopping on the train, putting in my headphones, and heading down town - I would just watch all of the fascinating people on the train and marvel about how cool humans are. I love looking at a person and trying to decide what their story is. Every person has a story and they are all so unique. Making up background stories for people and creating an idea in my head about how they ended up in that exact spot at that exact moment in their life - it seriously doesn't get much better than that.

And now that I'm a crazy social scientist, I think it's become even worse.

Not only do I love to observe people and try to figure out there lives, but now I try to figure out how they fit into a specific generalizable population. It's so interesting to see what aspects of a person fit perfectly with the description of a population and what aspects are completely different, because no one fits 100% into a defined social group, which is why social policy and research is so incredibly difficult. -- educational rant. my bad.

This kind of reminds me of the movie He's Just Not That Into You. Ever seen it? It's not one of my faves, but it was decently good. Anyway, in the movie it talks about how there are rules for dating (and for life) that are very generalizable and people try to say that they are the exception, but they are not the exception. But at some point in life, everyone is the exception. Their life doesn't fit perfectly into a little mold of how things are supposed work, and that's what makes life exciting. If everything always worked exactly like we expect it to, then life would be boring and there would be zero problems because life is predictable.
But alas... life is never predictable and people are all a little bit crazy and that is okay. This is why I study people and social groups. This is why I want to work with unstable populations and try to help them establish at least a sense of stability. This is why I am fascinated by people and will never stop people watching.

Speaking of fascinating: It has come to my attention that I am attracted to men that I find fascinating. When there is a person that I am interested in, it seems that I always end up describing him as fascinating. I love getting to know people that have different views of the world and have had different experiences and up-bringings because they widen my paradigm and give me a new way to look at the world. So... if you ever hear me say that I find someone fascinating, then you know that is the one of the best things I can possibly say about someone.

paper break

"Embrace each day with an enthusiastic welcome!" - Elder F. Enzio Busche

Yeah, I needed that today. Yes, it is in fact 1:47 in the morning and yes, I am still awake and sitting at my kitchen table writing a paper (well, technically taking a break from writing a paper at the moment).
But you know what? I'm thrilled. Life is awesome. I get to be in college right now... do you know how many people would love to be where I am right now but can't for some reason or another?
I am blessed. Everyone is blessed; you just have to take a step back and recognize the blessings. This day will be good... because I'm alive, and if that's the best thing I can find to say about some days in my life, then it's fine because that is still incredible.
Life should be filled with enthusiasm. Always.

The world didn't change, I changed.

I've learned a lot this past week or two. I may have fallen behind in my school work and not paid enough attention in classes, but life lessons have been learned, and sometimes it's okay for the other things to fall by the wayside for a bit.

I made a friend recently who has changed my view of world. He has taught me through his example what it means to be completely committed to your values and your standards. A lot of the people that I am surrounded by in my life know what is right and do it because that's what you do... not to say that they don't believe and are amazing people, it's just that they have never had to question their motives for the way they live their lives. But my friend has had to change his life around, and he has completely thought through every thing he does and consciously made the choice to live the way that he does. He has made me question WHY in pretty much every aspect of my life, and I've learned so much about myself. I can't rely on any other person to reason away my actions. I have come to KNOW what I believe and understand how those beliefs relate to my actions... Yeah, my whole perspective and approach to life has changed a bit. I'm loving it.

Also, I've been trying to understand and accept the Lord's timing in my life. Sometimes I just don't understand why I can't just know right now what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to go in my life instead of trying to figure it out along the way. Things happen in life that are so frustrating and disheartening, and it's hard to see the purpose behind them. So I've been trying recently to just accept that I don't know everything and that God does. He has a plan for me, and it might not make sense to me right now, but it makes perfect sense to God and that it is just what I need. Having faith in His hand in my life and His love for me is what will help me to get through trials. Here's a video that we watched in my Living Prophets class yesterday and it was just what I needed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMwKxmTLaCs

"Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement." Yes, yes, yes. Amen. Hallelujah. The End.

Growth.

Alright, here's the deal: I've learned SO MUCH in the last 6-9 months or so. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had such a defining half year in my entire life.
There have been so many events, both big and small, that have changed me and changed my life. Here's just a few of the things I have learned in 2012:

• No matter how far away they are or how long we go without speaking, my best friends will still always be there for me
• Missions are awesome
• It is so hard to have those I'm closest with leave on missions, but I wouldn't have them anywhere else in the world right now
• I am loved.
• I am not perfect, and that's okay
• It's more important to be humble than hilarious (though there is nothing wrong with also being hilarious)
• I love hearing mission stories
• How to ask for help and advice
• Love is not something that I can control. But if I allow it, I have the capacity to love everyone.
• The importance of studying
• How to be more open with others
• Being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness
• I have to rely on the Lord for my confidence; I can't rely on myself.
• Fear is not something that belongs in my life.
• Hiding my thoughts and feelings does not benefit anyone.
• I am surrounded by the best, most inspirational examples and it is the biggest blessing I could have right now.

Phoneless.

Let me tell you a funny little story:

Once upon a time I went to California and it was awesome.

My phone decided that it just loved California so much that it was going to stay for an extended vacation. Much more extended than my own trip.
Yes, you heard right. I have been without my phone for about 11 days now.
How did my phone get left behind in California, a solid 12 hour drive away?  Well, I certainly did not forget it... it just happend to get stuck in an unlocked house. I know, this just keeps getting more and more ridiculous. I realized that I had left my phone in the house we were staying at and luckily we had left the front door unlocked, so I went to go open it and much to my horror, the door wouldn't budge. Something was wrong with the handle and it just plain wouldn't open. We worked on it for a solid 15 minutes, with no success. So I had turn my back on my poor phone, leaving it in an unlocked house. The poor dear.

I didn't realize how much my everyday life revolves around the quick messages that phone provides to me. I am constantly talking about my plans later that day with my roommates or deciding where to meet someone or answering quick, simple questions via text. Not to mention the fact that I call my mom everyday. And my phone keeps me in contact with my lovely friends that I don't get to see very often. I bash on our culture's extreme dependence on cell phones sometimes, but let's get real, they really do help and can be a good thing. However, it's been a bit of a blessing in my life not have a phone. Though I haven't thought so the entire time.
This is my process of emotions since the loss of my phone: Frustration, Relief, Freedom, Annoyance, Irritation, Acceptance. Yes, I think that portrays exactly how the last week has gone for me.

Here are some things I've learned while I have been without a phone:

• Who the most important people in my life are. Even when I don't have a phone, I still find a way to talk to the most important people.
• My roommates are amazing. They put up with my borrowing their phones all the time.
• Patience. In a world full of fast-paced, at your finger-tips information and answers, I have had to learn to be patient. When I need to ask some one something, I have to wait until the next time I see them or when they answer my email, it is not an immediate response, and it is ok.
• To listen and observe. I always call my mom when I'm walking across campus, and if I'm not talking to her, I'm probably texting someone. Not being able to do that has allowed me to enjoy the beauty that is Provo and has given me more chance to look around and better observe the fascinating people that I am surrounded by everyday.
• Facebook gets really old really fast. I've been relying a lot on fb messages to talk to people, but now I am so sick of fb. It's not even funny.
• Simplification. Technology overwhelms my life. I sit at a computer all day at work, I am always using my laptop to take notes or do assignments or catch up on tv shows or really do most anything, I listen to my iPod, I always have my phone with me. It gets to be too much sometimes. So it's been incredibly nice to take a break from at least one aspect of technology and kind of simplify my life.
• To take a deep breath. This could have been an incredibly upsetting situation to not have my phone, and at times it was, but overall I learned to just take a step back, breath, and reassess the situation and realize that it's fine. True, I don't have communication right at my finger tips at all time, but it's ok and I can make it work.

Overall, I'm thrilled that this happened. It's not very often that one can take such an extended break from their phone, and it has truly been a blessing. I know it sounds like something really small and dumb, but I really did learn so much from not having a phone! But I must admit, it will be SO nice to get it back and be able to communicate with the rest of the world again.


Side note - 
Talking about phones just reminded me of a sweet little tune you may be familiar with (this does not actually apply to my life at this very moment in time): 
Call me, beep me, if you want to reach me. 
When you want to page me, it's ok. 
Whenever you need me, baby 
Call me, beep me, if you want to reach me.

Real Learning.

"Students do not learn much just sitting in classes listening to teachers, memorizing prepackaged assignments, and spitting out answers.  Learning is not a spectator sport.  Students must talk about what they are learning, write about it, relate it to past experiences, and apply it to their daily lives.  They must make what they learn part of themselves."  (Chickering and Gamson, Seven Principles for Good Practice in Undergraduate Education)

The truth of this quote is irrevocable.

Learning is an action word.

And honestly, it's hard to learn correctly. Sitting passively and memorizing facts only to forget them as soon as the test is over is easy. Real learning, the kind where the student must take it upon themselves to learn and apply said learning and retain it forever. This type of learning is hard. It takes a lot of time. It takes patience and work and interest and focus.
Sadly, I can't say I've always tried to really learn in some of my classes. There are times when I want to take the easy way out and just memorize facts and pass tests. I have been in some very difficult classes where the teacher recognized what real learning is and made assignments that catered to it... and I have complained because they were too hard. But in the end, those are the classes that I appreciate and remember the most. And learned the most from.
When I am forced to discuss my learning and look at it in the context of my life and other situations in the world, then I can see it as something real. Something important. Something worth knowing.
The purpose of going to school and getting an education is to be knowledgable and know things for the rest of my life. Disappointingly, a lot of people view school and learning as just something that they need to get through and finish as soon as possible so as to graduate and move on to their career or the next part of their life. They don't take the time to sit back and appreciate the opportunity that they have to be learning. Not many people in this world have that same opportunity. Learning is a blessing, not a pointless task. Learning is an action and it is something that should certainly not just stop at graduation. Learning is a lifelong and applicable to all situations.

I love learning. I love gaining the ability to speak intelligibly on many topics. I love expanding my horizons and developing new ways of viewing the world and other peoples. I love taking the opportunity to incorporate my learning into who I am.

I need to remember this. Learning is not a spectator sport.